Exposure therapy

Dave and I were walking the dog past our local park’s movie night (The Goonies!), and I directed his attention to a couple of teenagers. The girl was leaning against a car, acting coolly ambivalent, while the boy had his hands on her hips. Whatever timeline you’re in, there will always be young people stealing away during a movie so they can smooch.

We smirked and moved on, which is the right thing to do. What we did not do was film them and tell them to “get a room.”

At the end of July, some poor, unsuspecting couple in Central Park was enjoying a little afternoon necking when someone decided to post a video of them on TikTok. Much like the Coldplay couple who preceded them, their identities were quickly known and conspiracies flew around a potential cheating scandal. 

Possible philandering aside, the videos seem to be part of our cultural slide into sexlessness — and I say this after watching a video that suggested Peter Pan collars are going to be “in” this fall. No need to gird your loins!

“Public shaming of this sort is terrible for the people filmed,” writes Faith Hill (not that one) in The Atlantic. “But these videos don’t affect only their subjects; they’re corrosive to the whole culture. Even if the chances are slim that you’d show up in a viral video, the possibility can be chilling. And the last thing Americans need right now is another reason not to make out.”

As a romance reporter, Hill has detailed our country’s dearth of eroticism — I’m looking forward to reading her latest, “The Great Romance Slump” — and she’s focused heavily on how young adults in particular are having less sex and partnering up less. One reason she’s identified is the possibility of being embarrassed. “The prospect of looking stupid is even scarier when your mistakes—or, let’s say, less-chic moments—can be permanently documented and distributed on a mass scale.”

Putting a generational lens on the situation, you’ll notice immediately that the couples who went viral for their PDA are not the young who are so afraid of being captured on camera. Instead, they’re Gen X or elder millennials (save for the purported 29-year-old in the Central Park video). Not only are folks in this age range not naturally accustomed to worrying about being filmed, but they’re (WE’RE) unfortunately squarely in the cringe category of PDA. It’s cute when teens are caught canoodling, it’s heartwarming when an elderly couple steals a kiss, but it’s deranged and disgusting when you’re middle aged and playing grab-ass.

I agree with Hill’s argument that being afraid of surveillance is keeping young people from acting on their whims, but I dare say that people are all the more brazen about filming PDA when the folks getting the action are considered cringe. You think you can take blood pressure meds and suck face? Absolutely not, grandpa: Now you’ve gone viral for your sins.

Because the only people seemingly being caught and posted are considered sexless, it’s probably jarring for young people to see these geriatrics engaged in what they've otherwise considered activities for hot 20-somethings. Bad news for them! Someone’s dad might also be someone’s daddy.

So now we’ve gone and blown the youth’s minds. Their young-person activities are being co-opted by the olds — and broadcast. And to that I say: Do it more. May the cringe contingency (anyone over, what, 35? 29?) keep locking lips and squeezing butts in public. Make it so normal and fun that the kids cannot look away, even if they wanted to. In fact, make them jealous! Your dad will lay a wet one on your mom at the barbecue, but your boyfriend won’t even hold your hand? Dump him!

“I’d venture to say that more people could stand to have a couple of High Noons and dance—and act, if not inappropriately, a little chaotically,” Hill writes. “In fact, I’m starting to appreciate the public display of affection as a means of resistance against the surveillance mindset. Why not kiss in front of strangers? In an erotic environment this frigid, plenty of people could stand to be reminded of what unabashed yearning looks like: live and spontaneous, not curated for the screen.”

It’s hard to believe that anyone could have a problem with a little low-key PDA. I’m not saying we should make out in the frozen foods aisle of the grocery store (you’re just getting in the way of my puff pastry), but a little covert tenderness ain’t so bad. There was one time that I was appropriately booed for kissing Dave in public, though: We were at a gay bar.

I read Hill’s piece in quick succession with an article about how influencers have to keep pivoting to stay relevant: Algorithms, trends, and tolerances change, so their content has to be constantly revamped if they want to keep up the clicks and conversions. It sounds exhausting, all this performance for a screen. Yet if you live by the sword (camera on), you die by the sword. It’s tough to be sexy if you’re worried about looking stupid.

But you know who isn’t trying to figure out whether GrubHub will sponsor their latest videos? The middle-aged couple at the dive bar on their second date. They are much too busy drinking beers and trading spit, not thinking once about whether any person or camera is spying. They are freaky, and they are free.