This massage will fix me

“I’ve got the usual sort of tightness and aches,” I told my massage therapist last week. “But what I’m really noticing is that my energy feels… stagnant.”

I do not, as a typical practice, describe how my vibes are knotted or my qi is a little cranky. I usually tell her something along the lines of “my upper body is tight” or “well, I’ve been running more.”

It’s a largely unspoken understanding between the two of us that I enjoy the energy work she does during massages; I just never ask for it specifically. But lately my energy has felt like the last bit of water that hangs out around the bathtub drain. And after this recent massage? I felt like I had an energetic tune-up.

Every so often, when the three-legged hamster who runs my psyche gets a bit winded, I find myself wanting to order something off the self-care menu. Whatever appointments I find myself Googling at 7:21 p.m. on a Tuesday — chewing on the spinach salad I think will also heal me — determines just how untethered I am feeling. It’s like a little hysteria barometer. “Oh, she’s started searching Amazon for coffee enema kits? Time for an institutionalized time out!” (For the record: I would never disrespect coffee like this.)

Here, then, is a list of self care activities that can help us gauge what level of concern to have for me, ranked from fairly neutral to deeply distressing.

Mani-pedi

If all I need is a little pop of color and for someone to kindly cheese-grate my hooves, do not ring any alarms. Let me read my month-old Us Weekly that someone left on the chair before me, while I space out to the same Adult Jazz CD that my preferred salon cannot seem to wear out. It’s just me, the nail tech, and Michael Bublé.

Concern level: Absolutely none. I am just a Modern Woman in a Modern World (normal crazy).

Massage

I have been going to my massage therapist for longer than I’ve known some of my closest friends. My body can sense when it’s my once-monthly massage time. This is just basic upkeep, like an oil change or changing the sheets.

Concern level: None.

Facial

I have had a handful of facials in my life and I do love them very, very much. But they are also not something I can shell out for with much regularity. Plus, I know my esthetician well enough that she would probably recognize if I’m jade-masking a greater issue.

Concern level: Minimal, but never zero.

Acupuncture

My massage therapist told me that in traditional Chinese medicine (not her speciality, she noted), there’s some notion of energy stagnancy during the change of season — particularly springtime. I looked it up and there’s a lot of talk about how you should get acupuncture this time of year if you’re feeling particularly “windy.” (Unrelated to butt wind, fyi). But if you see me booking at a $140 acupuncture treatment and mumbling about the breeze, please call my credit card company and report fraud.

Concern level: Low to moderate. (I’m not otherwise anti-acupuncture, but just check to see why I’m using it. I had my one and only treatment many years ago for eczema and that made zero sense.)

Tarot cards or other fortune reading

This falls under self care because how else am I going to categorize it? Religious practice? Board games? Get real! Learning that your tarot reader’s mother says hello from beyond the grave while you sit in the back of a French Quarter alchemy shop is a very soothing experience, in fact.

Concern level: Low to moderate. OK if just for funsies, concerning if I’m earnestly Looking For Answers.

Booking a trip

Here we must weigh the great financial expense against the cultural and intellectual benefits of travel. Benefits win every time! This is why they used to send “unwell” women to the ocean: Healing came from waking up at noon, drinking four glasses of champagne, and wandering the beach. By traveling during emotional unrest, I am just following my ancestors’ lead! Just kidding. My people didn’t have “recover by the sea” money, we had “a night in the barn should quiet the voices” debt.

Concern level: Low to moderate.

Head spa

I keep seeing these pop up on my Instagram page and they look really soothing. One of the best parts of a haircut is when you get a good shampooing! But am I ready to shell out $$ for a close-up photo of my scalp that a woman will click her tongue at before the treatment even begins? I would have to be really hard up to take a little hit of defeatism before the tinglefest.

Concern level: Moderate.

Deprivation float tank

You don’t hear too much about float tanks anymore, likely because no one wants to be trapped alone with their thoughts these days. For that exact reason, there’s no way that time in a pitch-black pod is a remotely good idea. My four remaining brain cells will start doing their best jumping bean impersonations and the dark place will have been inside me all along.

Concern level: Moderate. (Warm float still sounds nice.)

Cryotherapy

At this point, I don’t even really know what it’s for. And I hate being cold. If I’m throwing my credit card at the freeze chambermaid like a poker star, know that my decision to do this was not born of pure thought. It is a cryo for help.

Concern level: High.

Virtual reality spa

Absolutely not. If I’m outsourcing my relaxation to augmented reality or AI or anything like that, then I have gone way off the deep end. I am Ariel combing her hair with a fork. I am Tom after Jerry claps his head between two cymbals. There is no hope for me.

Concern level: I am a women’s XS or a child’s Large in straightjackets.